As he had slept for less than five hours, it took Peter almost a full minute to figure out why it was so dark outside and why the clock on his microwave insisted it was not yet 4 AM. The spoon slowly descended, granting the Triple-Grain Honey Rings a reprieve as they rejoined their brethren in the bowl. Like the golden orb inching its way up past the horizon—something it was currently doing out in the Atlantic Ocean—a thought crept into his brain: “What do I do now?” It seemed more and more likely that the reprieve would become a full pardon.

A depressingly small number of ideas suggested themselves over the next ten minutes. Go back to bed? Tempting, oh so tempting, but impractical. He had already showered, he was already wearing his suit, he had already “made” breakfast—though at the rate he was eating it, he wouldn’t be done until dinner time. Peter didn’t think he could stand going through the painful ritual of waking up twice in one morning. Read a book? Watch a movie? These were simply code phrases for “go to sleep fifteen minutes from now rather than right away.” Catch up on work? He laughed. It was a harsh, gravelly sound. His voice cracked. Not good.

Peter shook his head. If he went back to sleep, then the clock would win. He wasn’t sure why, exactly, but if all that resulted from the early awakening was that he was robbed of half an hour of sleep, then victory was definitely on the side of the vile alarmbringer. Peter didn’t like to lose. He didn’t like being awake a four in the morning, either, but he especially didn’t like to lose. He was going to do something productive. He was going to work on the Speech.

With this thought in mind, he sprang—er, he lurched up out of his chair, put on a pot of coffee, and went to grab his notes. When he returned to the kitchen clutching a hefty stack of papers, he seized the pot and poured it directly into his cereal bowl. Not good.

“. . . because we’re panicking and he’s not. That’s why,” he muttered to himself, staring down at the soggy mess. He took a deep breath and hardened his gaze. “Now, we can get through this thing all right. We’ve got to stick together, though. We’ve got to have faith in each other!”

He snatched the spoon and shoveled the curious concoction into his mouth. The texture was awful and the taste was worse. But he ate another spoonful before flinging the utensil dramatically into the sink. He didn’t need food. He didn’t need caffeine. He was running on adrenaline now.

“Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives! But you’re gonna let it be the worst!”

The Speech was an idea that Peter and his debate team friends had cooked up back in high school. It was inspired by a dramatic win in the state tournament, a late-night victory party afterward, an unhealthy quantity of IBC Root Beer and a conversation about the theory that a thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters could eventually reproduce the complete works of Shakespeare.

“—but he’ll remember, with advantages, what feats he did that day. Then shall our names, familiar in his mouth as household words—”

The concept was simple: by combining lines from the most famous orations of history, literature, and film, one could create a speech so powerful, so moving that it could stir even the laziest, most apathetic slug to rise up.

“A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields when the age of Men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand!”

The execution, however, was considerably more difficult. The words of the world’s great speakers could not simply be slapped together like letters clipped from various magazines on a ransom note. How to integrate the words of Cicero with those of Mandela? Was it even possible to seamlessly blend the orations of Bismarck and Gandhi? Churchill and Pericles? Bailey and Blutarsky? Despite having nearly the same name, the speeches of Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr. blended about as poorly as French Roast and breakfast cereal.

“The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.”

Why did the apple fall from the tree?
Things at rest tend to stay there, you see
A force drew it that way
(As F=ma)
Apple pushed head; head pushed equally

Event: Publication by Isaac Newton of Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica
Year: 1687
Learn more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophi%C3%A6_Naturalis_Principia_Mathematica

A. 佐藤　B. 鈴木　C. 高橋　D. 田中　E. 渡辺

Shakespeare himself proposed the idea that family names really aren’t that important–though the eventual outcome of Romeo and Juliet strongly suggests otherwise– but let’s take a look at a few anyway.

Theoman quickly recognized D as Tanaka, a name meaning “middle of the rice field.”  It is common, yes, but not the most common; Tanaka ranks 4th.

Famous person named Tanaka: Tiger Tanaka, James Bond’s ally in You Only Live Twice

A Fan promptly rattled off a list of his favorite Japanese companies and ball-bumbling, light-hitting infielders.  Most of them are, in fact, actual family names (Nintendo is not), and one of them even appears on this list, though not in the order he identified it: B is Suzuki, which means “bell tree.”  It is the second most common family name in Japan.

Famous person named Suzuki: Ichiro Suzuki, who is so famous he doesn’t even need a family name (also: Kissy Suzuki, one of the only Bond girls to die a natural death, also from You Only Live Twice)

Shirley went to opposite ends of the spectrum, looking for both a hero and a villain, but neither actually ended up being on the list.  The second character in A is indeed daunting, but you’d better get used to writing it, because it’s part of the most common family name in Japan: Sato.  The characters literally mean something like “helper wisteria,” though the second character could refer to the Fujiwara, an extremely prominent political family in Japan’s classical period.

Famous person named Sato: Gordon Hisashi Sato, the cell biologist who discovered that polypeptide factors required for the culture of mammalian cells outside the body are also important regulators of differentiated cell functions and of utility in culture of new types of cells for use in research and biotechnology, whatever the heck that means.

And now for the rest.  I know A Fan, at least, will be kicking himself for not trying this, but the names ended up being ordered in sequence: A, Sato, is the most common; B, Suzuki, is second; C, Takahashi, is third.  Takahashi means “high bridge.”

Famous person named Takahashi: Takahashi Rumiko, the wealthiest manga artist in Japan and creator of Ranma 1/2 and InuYasha, among others

Last (out of the top five, at least) is E, Watanabe, which means something like “border crossing.”

Famous person named Watanabe: Ken Watanabe, star of Letters from Iwo Jima and featured in The Last Samurai, Batman Begins, and Inception

No one won this time, so this week I thought I would give you something a little bit more fun to do.  Rather than simply guessing words, you will be making words.  In honor of the holiday, try your hand at creating a word for “fireworks.”  Feel free to use any of the following kanji (or, if you are so inclined, any others you might know):

空

meaning “sky”

天

also meaning “sky,” but often with a somewhat more grandiose significance; “the heavens”

爆

meaning “explosion”

火

meaning “fire”

雷

meaning “thunder”

轟

meaning “to roar; to resound”

花

meaning “flower”

明

meaning “bright”

祭

meaning “festival”

翔

meaning “to soar”

Points will be awarded for creativity, explanations, and, I suppose, accuracy.  I won’t tell you how many characters are in the “correct” answer, but I will say that compounds of 2 or 4 characters are much more common than those of other amounts.

Finally, as a bonus, pick out the red, white, and blue from this lineup of colors:

白赤黄緑青藍紫黒

Day 233:

A lot of the world’s more fantastic coincidences end up being blamed on the common alarm clock.  You know the story: if the alarm hadn’t failed to go off, then Person X would not have been at Location Y at precisely the right time to meet Person Z or experience Event, uh, Omega.  The idea is that the balance of our lives is so delicate that even the most minor rescheduling can have drastic consequences.  People like to think of their lives in this way, because otherwise they would have to stop wasting time daydreaming and get some actual work done.

One particular alarm clock, however, despised this view.  It had, on several occasions (often after consuming one or two beers), argued that it was a double standard.  How could it be fair to place all the blame on the clock?  “It takes two to tell time!” it would yell, the tipsy alliteration driving its friends to cautiously back away from the conversation.  “One to display, and one to read!”  Yes, the clock is at fault, but the human bears some of the responsibility as well, for accepting what the clock says without question.  How can timepieces be held to standards of perfection greater than those of their makers?  The idea is ludicrous.  And laughable.  And . . . hey, where’d everybody go?

After growing tired of trying to express his point with words (and of always having to take a cab home alone at the end of the party), the alarm clock decided to try a demonstration.  It would go off not one minute early, not ten minutes early, but several hours early.  The world would still be dark.  No other humans would be awake.  If the human realized the error and went back to bed, then it would definitively prove the Dual Burden of Temporal Responsibility Theory.  And if he didn’t, well, then he was just a hopeless idiot.

The other explanation as to why the alarm clock went off at 3:44 AM on that Friday morning is that Peter Hamlin—who happened to own this particular clock—simply screwed up when he set it the night before.  As a matter of fact, that makes a lot more sense.  That first explanation was downright silly, don’t you think?

Then again, you have to wonder: why would he be resetting the alarm at all for a morning that, at least up until the previous night, was not supposed to be significantly different from any other?

What Peter’s clock failed to realize is that humans thrive on routine.  Sure, there are a few eccentrics who live life without a schedule, but there are also clocks without numbers.  You know, those analog ones that only have hands, where you just have to guess what time it is?  It takes all kinds to make a world.

Anyway, the point is that regularity defines most people’s lives, and any irregularities can upset them with ease.  Humans are given cues and respond as they have been trained to.  Show a Days of Our Lives actor the teleprompter from Star Trek and he’ll read it, no matter how inappropriate the lines may be (actually, the effect may be an improvement).  Alarms are just another cue: they go off, we complain, we get up.  That’s the way it goes.  We are Pavlov’s dogs, except we never got a treat in the first place; we’re simply salivating for work.  Pavlov’s dogs got a sweet gig.

A scholar of logic, like the alarm clock, might reason that a person woken earlier than necessary would simply go back to sleep.  Anyone familiar with the human condition would not be at all surprised to learn that as soon as the alarm rang Peter bolted into the shower, or that thirteen-and-a-half minutes later he was sitting at the table with a spoonful of cereal in his hand, looking out the window and thinking, “What the hell?”

Sadly, not all cues have a programmed response.

“Oh it’s taken me years now to hone
Meant to bridge gap ‘tween flute and trombone
Though it looks like a brass
As a woodwind ’twill pass
I shall call it: the Saxo-ma-phone!”

Event: Adolphe Sax patents the saxophone
Year: 1846
Learn more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saxophone

A. 映画館　B. 教会　C. 大使館　D. 図書館　E. 病院　F. 郵便局

And we’re back.  As usual, I will refrain from asking whether a week without kanji was a disappointment or a relief.

Theoman seems to have the most expertise here, so if you’re lost in Japan, I would recommend giving him the map.  On the other hand, his process-of-elimination style of navigation could be rather nerve-wracking.  I don’t know about you, but if my tour guide said, “Well, I don’t know what this sign means, and I don’t know the word for ’embassy,’ so this must be the embassy,” I would strongly consider parting ways.  Sure, it could be the embassy . . . but it could also be an abattoir, a pawn shop, or the local Legitimate Businessman’s Social Club.  In this case, however, he is correct.  C is the embassy.  Congratulations!  You are safe on U.S. soil.  Unless of course, he has managed to accidentally lead you to the Venezuelan Embassy.

Dragon, on the other hand, should have the map kept away from her at all costs.  To be fair, if you’re looking for a hospital, the embassy is probably a better place to go than, say, the library or the post office–and hopefully you’re not lost for so long that you need a church–but I, personally, would rather go to the hospital.  It’s right there at E, see?  With the characters meaning “sickness” and “institution”?

Also, if Dragon would like to make sure that she really has seen Chariots of Fire, she can go to A, the movie theater.

Shirley got a nice lead-off hit by identifying B as the church, though the second character actually refers to meeting or coming together rather than symbolizing a pagoda.  And she was close on D, which is not the movie theater but a much older version of the movie theater, which we used to call a library.  We will hope there is no meaning in the fact that she finds herself drawn to the hospital and instead praise the second correct process-of-elimination guess this week: F is the post office.

For this week’s puzzle we will do something a little different.  Listed below are the five most common surnames in Japan today.  It is often said that in the U.S., while there are a relatively small number of frequently used given names, there is near infinite variety in surnames.  In East Asia the situation tends to be the reverse, and while it is much more true in China and Korea, Japan also has a relatively limited number of very common surnames and a wider variety of given names.  Anyway, this puzzle will be a little different because there are several different things you can do.  You can choose to order the names from most popular to least popular, based on which ones you like better or whatever bizarre methods you usually employ for KYPC.  On the other hand, you can try to guess how they are pronounced, as chances are you may have heard of at least one famous person that has each of these names (those with actual knowledge of how kanji are pronounced are discouraged from choosing this option).  Finally, you can attempt to guess what the names mean.

A. 佐藤　B. 鈴木　C. 高橋　D. 田中　E. 渡辺

Day 232:

Interviews complete. No conductor has ever seen suspect on a train. No LCTA personnel have ever sighted suspect in another station. Does suspect never leave Simon Park? How long has she been there? How does she survive?

Investigate: theft.

Further incidence of citizen-initiated contact. Should citizens be warned? If no one comes near, evidence of suspect’s wrongdoing will be difficult to find. Other lines of inquiry proving unfruitful. Must continue to rely on public’s unwitting cooperation for sake of justice.

Record of contact follows:

Asian-American male, late teens, walks rapidly away from suspect after standard rejection interaction. In three days of close observation, have seen 137 rejections. Where does suspect find will to persist despite repeated failure? (Officer Tang’s keen eye was considered matchless by the other officers of the Crescenton Police Department, but since she never used it while she was looking in the mirror, she was not able to detect that, perhaps, she and the woman in Simon Park Station had one thing in common.)

Investigate: drugs.

African-American female, late 30’s, approaches suspect. Female seems to have been listening to previous conversation. She squats near suspect, easily within attack range (Gun out of holster, safety off, cocked).

Female: “Excuse me. I’m a telemarketer, and I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. No one listens anymore. All I’m doing is offering them something. I understand that not everyone wants to buy what I’m selling, but the least they can do is find out what it is. Most people just hang up after, ‘Would you be interested in—’ . . . so, in my head, I usually end it with, ‘—purchasing a solid gold house for the low, low price of $1.99?’”

Investigate: real estate fraud.

Suspect, at first perplexed, scowls out of agreement (?) or general villainy (!) “Don’t I know it! Everyone just loves to think that they’re too busy to deal with me, as if their time was so valuable that simply paying attention to me for thirty seconds would be some kind of colossal loss. A lot of these jerks say, ‘Sorry, not interested,’ and then they go over there and stare at the wall for five minutes while they’re waiting for the damn train to come!”

Female appears close to tears (effect of a chemical weapon?) “I-it’s just so dehumanizing . . .”

Suspect in similar state (weapon misfire?) “Sometimes . . . I feel like I can’t go on . . .”

Suspect and female burst into obnoxiously loud wailing, hug. Subway passengers regard pair warily, give wide berth. Crying persists for several minutes.

Female: “By the way, you wouldn’t happen to be interested in buying a subscription to—”

Suspect: “No way. But, don’t you feel that there’s something missing from—”

Female: “Nothing I’d expect to find in a subway station.”

Suspect and Female release, regard each other fondly. Female: “Sorry about that.”

Suspect: “I know. Just had to get it out of the way.”

Investigate: public indecency?

Empathy was not Officer Tang’s strong suit, in much the same way as elephants are not known for their delicacy, but she had some skill at reading suspects. She hadn’t the foggiest clue as to their motives, but she could generally tell when they were about to run, pull a gun, etc. The vibe she was getting from the subway woman was loud and clear: she was nearing the breaking point.

Far away from the fierce battle plain
In a temple he would meet his bane
A disloyal cohort
Chose to cut his life short
Brought a premature end to his reign

Event: The “Incident at Honnō-ji”: The warlord Oda Nobunaga is attacked by his traitorous retainer Akechi Mitsuhide and forced to commit suicide at Honnō-ji Temple
Year: 1582
Learn more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incident_at_Honn%C5%8D-ji

Day 231:

After long stakeout, have concluded that suspect does nothing before commuters arrive in morning. Sleeping? Possibly. Thinking? Plotting? Likely.

Consult department psychologist for profile. What could she be planning?

Beginning study of how suspect chooses targets. Possible factors:
1. perceived vulnerability
2. receptiveness to her aims
3. walking speed

After extensive observation, have concluded that factors, with possible exception of #3, are irrelevant. Sampling appears to be random.

On occasion, citizens approach her instead. Following dialogue recorded for later analysis/submission as evidence:

White male, age 7-9, walks up to suspect. “Are you a princess?”

Suspect responds slowly. “What?”

White male: “I think you’re a witch, but my sister says you’re a princess.” Male looks back. White female, age 4-6, can be seen hiding ineffectively behind nearby pillar.

Suspect sighs (regretting the past? Or the atrocities she is about to commit? Gun out of holster, safety off, cocked). “I am not a princess.”

Male turns around, grinning. “I told you she was a witch!”

Female leaves hiding place, runs furiously up to male. “Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh! She has to be a princess, because, because Mr. Bear said so!”

Male: “Mr. Bear’s just a dumb stuffed animal.”

Female: “No he’s not! You’re dumb!”

Male: “Shut up!”

Male strikes female in arm. Female begins wailing piercingly. White male, early 30’s, approaches rapidly. “What did you do?”

After brief silence, suspect realizes question is directed at her. “I didn’t do anything.”

Young male: “She’s a witch, Dad! A real-life witch!” Wailing increases in volume.

Adult male picks up female, seizes young male’s hand. “You just stay the hell away from my kids, or I’m calling the cops!” Walks away quickly, looking concerned, perhaps frightened.

Investigate: child abuse. Will parents press charges? (unfortunately, having witnessed entire scene, cannot in good conscience accept father’s version of events as true. Remember: vigilance always has a price).

Charles’ engine did not quite get done
(Though ’twas proved that it could well have run)
Six-point-five score years passed
Seeming not at all fast
But computers had still just begun

Events: Charles Babbage proposes a “difference engine” in a paper to the Royal Astronomical Society; UNIVAC I, the first commercial computer produced in the United States, is dedicated
Years: 1822; 1951
Learn more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Difference_engine
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UNIVAC_I