(NOTE: this is for October 13th, not the 12th)

Where on Earth is the center of time?
Where to draw the meridian Prime?
O’er these questions and more
The committee did pore
They chose to follow Greenwich’s chime

Event: Prime meridian officially established as passing through Greenwich, England
Year: 1884
Learn more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Meridian_Conference

Today in our ongoing quest to ensure that nothing is longer than it absolutely has to be, we consider the source of this new project’s title, Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

Young Prince Hamlet does not seem to take to heart Polonius’ comment that “Brevity is the soul of wit.”  The statement was not addressed to him specifically, but we all know that Hamlet was skulking all over the castle in his real-again, fictional-again madness, so I’m sure that he heard it, and he appears to ignore it (to be fair, so does Polonius).

For example, let us look at Hamlet’s famous soliloquy from Act III.  Hamlet sets up a problem (whether or not he should kill himself), considers all possible aspects of the two sides, and then comes to a vague, unsatisfying conclusion.  He just goes on and on, without any consideration for the audience, or even for poor Ophelia, who has to stand there on the side of the stage and pretend she can’t hear him.  You’d think if all he was going to accomplish was to demonstrate his indecisiveness that he could at least be quick about it, but no, he drones on for nearly fifteen hundred characters!  Here’s what the speech would have sounded like if someone had had the good sense to cut him off after one hundred forty:

“To be, or not to be?  That is the question—
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take a”

“Take a chill pill,” I think, is the only suitable ending to that last phrase.

These days we already have a standard abbreviation for this speech: we just say “To be or not to be?  That is the question,” and we forget that the rest of the soliloquy even exists.  This solution may be fine for everyday use, but if I were writing for Shakespeare and wanted to include a few more ideas from the original speech (such as, for example, the fact that “To be or not to be?” refers to living or dying, which is often lost today) while still keeping it within a sensible character limit, I would probably say something like this:

“Should I die?  Tough question.  Life is hard, and I can put a stop to that.  Then again, death’s a mystery.  Who knows what happens?  I guess that’s why people like me hesitate.”

There.  We know the problem, we know there’s not going to be any resolution on it any time soon, and we get it all without having to sit there for minute after minute listening to him talk about contumely, bare bodkins, and fardels.

This allows plenty of time for Ophelia to come over and strike up a conversation:

Ophelia: hey ham. sup?
Hamlet: *shrug* thinkin bout death
Ophelia: 😛 geez emo kid. y dont u b a litle more emo?
Hamlet: i dunno. what comes after death? if only I knew . . .
Ophelia: w/e. u can stay here and write some crappy poems or somthing. im gonna go hang out w/rosey and guild. u know, have some actual fun for a change

For there are no slings and arrows more outrageous than the whims of a woman’s heart.

If you readers have any suggestions of famous speeches, poems, or excerpts of literary works that you would like to see covered in this project, please let me know.

“Fight you?” the old fat man laughed
“Of that I’ve no intent
As for the introduction
Hi, I’m Shinra’s President

The Pres’dent shrugged.  “It’s no big deal
I’ve got six more of these
I missed yesterday’s fireworks
I’m watching the reprise”

“Like love, this drug’s use should be free!”
Argued men like Timothy Leary
Long-term studies did find
It could disturb the mind
So the government banned LSD

Given my continued inability to post pictures, it seems somewhat pedantic of me to continue stubbornly posting stories and asking for your patience.  I have therefore decided to put the “Is a Picture Worth a Thousand Words?” project on a temporary (and, from the point of view of anyone closely following the story, poorly timed) hiatus.  Instead this week I present to you another project I have been tinkering with, titled “Brevity=Wit.”

The definition of brevity has changed a lot over the years.  Especially these days, due to the popularity of text messaging and a certain web application, it seems like anything that takes more than two seconds to think up and three seconds to type just isn’t worth writing.  It makes me wonder, however, how the great writers and speakers of the past would have fared if they were subjected to the same harsh 140-character limit that we are.

Today, let us consider the Gettysburg Address.

Given on November 19, 1863, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address was considered famous for its brevity.  Preceded by Edward Everett, who gave a speech of two hours and over 13,000 words, Lincoln went up and spoke for approximately two minutes.  Legend has it that Lincoln’s speech was so unexpectedly short that the photographers did not have enough time to get their equipment set up to take pictures of him.

Nowadays, of course, the Gettysburg Address seems almost ridiculously long.  Lincoln’s speech contained well over 1000 characters, if you can believe that.  If he had been cut off at the more reasonable length of 140 characters, the speech would have gone something like this:

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the prop”

All Lincoln has time for is a brief history lesson, which he cannot even finish.  “Upon this continent?”  Well, duh.  Where did they think America was founded?  South America?  “Dedicated to the prop?”  What’s he talking about?  The Wright brothers wouldn’t make their famous flight for another forty years.

Now, if I was a speechwriter for Abraham Lincoln, knowing the extremely limited capacity of the modern attention span, I might have suggested he say something more like this:

“87 years ago our fathers made a free nation.  Now we’re at war, and men died here for it.  I can’t say anything greater than what they gave.”

See?  Short and simple.  Fits easily within any standard character limit, takes about ten seconds to say.  Plus you don’t have to waste any of your precious brain power trying to remember that a score is twenty.

Of course, if Lincoln was giving his speech today, taking enough time for the photographers wouldn’t be a problem no matter how quickly he went.  They’d simply snap one of him with their phones and then go back to texting their friends:

“OMG! cant believe prez is talking for 2 whole minutes! i cant wait to get outa here”

Not exactly what you might call the last full measure of devotion.

The buttons dinged, the door flew ope’
Freeing them from their cell
Of that event the three agreed
To never, ever tell

“You don’t want to fight us
Hell, you look like someone’s dad
I killed a giant scorpion
And . . . these two ain’t that bad”