A true legend of the silver screen
Back when musicals still ruled the scene
He could daydream in France
And ‘cross Scottish moors dance
And still prance in the rain in between

Event: Birth of Gene Kelly, star of such famous Hollywood musicals as An American in Paris, Singin’ in the Rain, and Brigadoon
Year: 1912
Learn more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gene_Kelly

A. 青懸巣　B. 鰭条　C. 高麗鶯　D. 国民　E. 真旗魚　F. 勇士

Theoman once again has stumbled into one of the classic blunders of kanji learning.  He saw the second character in F and immediately thought, “Aha!  I recognize that character!  It means ‘earth!'”  However, he was dead wrong.  ‘Earth’ is a completely different character, which looks like this:

土

See?  Here, I’ll put them next to each other so you can see the obvious differences:

土　士

See?  Totally different, aren’t they?  See how on one the upper crossbar is shorter than the base and on the other it’s longer?  That’s a difference that’s just painfully easy to recognize, don’t you think?  And, since these two kanji are so radically different, it would make perfect sense for them to have entirely unrelated meanings, right?  For example, the one on the left means ‘earth’ and the one on the right means ‘person,’ generally used for people with some significant societal function like scholars, doctors, warriors, etc.  And thus we see that Theoman, in addition to making one of the classic kanji blunders, has also made one of the classic KYPC un-blunders, for while F has nothing at all to do with ‘earth,’ it is indeed the Atlanta Braves.  His identification of D as the Washington Nationals is, as he said, quite boringly correct, though he slipped up a bit on A, identifying the first character as being a color but not paying quite enough attention to which color it is.

Shirley was hoping for a sweep after she did so well on last week’s west coast road trip, but it wasn’t meant to be.  Disturbing D is not the Yankees but the Nationals, though given Shirley’s views on congress, perhaps this fits just as well.  F is not the Red Sox, but kudos to her for cheering them on against the Evil Empire.  Damn those Yankees for using their filthy money to give huge contracts to those two free agents, Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, last winter.  Hey, wait a second . . . Interestingly enough, she picked B as the Mets because it’s so short, and B is in fact one of the three MLB teams to be only four letters long.  It’s just not the Mets.  B is the Tampa Bay [Devil] Rays, with their stupid name and their awful stadium, about which A Fan likes to make incomprehensible French (?) puns.  Finally, I find it curious that Shirley thought E looked cold, because E is the Florida Marlins, who play in Miami (not cold) and have a fine stadium, as far as I know, except that they forgot to put fans in it.

Speaking of missing fans, we were delighted to see A Fan get in under the wire this week, just as he was presumably delighted to see that the wire had been moved back about 12 hours due to laziness unforeseeable circumstances.  He was so excited, in fact, that he posted four times.  I like the enthusiasm, even though he didn’t get any answers correct.  A Fan may not have much of a batting average, but he always plays with effort, diving for those balls he just misses up the middle and sliding headfirst into first base.  We have therefore dubbed him the “Nick Punto of KYPC.”

A Fan appears to judge baseball teams based almost entirely on the degree to which they are located in New York City.  Thus the Yankees and Mets are irredeemable, and the Phillies, only a couple hours away, are in dangerous territory.  We salute him for being the only contestant to mention the once-great Baltimore Orioles, who are not at F but are actually in the quiz; you’ll find them at C.

Oh yes, to get back to A, just in case you haven’t figured it out, these are not the Boston Red Sox but the Toronto Blue Jays.  Go Bautista!

Okay.  By this point, I’m sure you’re sick of baseball.  Heck, it’s August, so everyone who doesn’t live in Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Milwaukee, Detroit, Dallas, Phoenix, or San Francisco has every right to be sick of baseball.  Let’s find something new to talk about.  Let’s see . . . weather?  No, we already did that.  I know!  We’ll talk about famous warlords.  That’s something people make small talk about, right?

After the power of the shogunate collapsed in the mid-15th century, Japan was essentially ruled by daimyo, feudal lords who constantly battled their neighbors for territory.  Let’s learn about a few of the more famous ones from the end of the Warring States Period (in other words, the latter half of the 16th century).  In this period we have the Three Unifiers: first was Oda Nobunaga, who conquered much of central Japan and seemed poised to take the rest until he was betrayed and killed by his retainer Akechi Mitsuhide.  Next came Nobunaga’s vassal, Toyotomi Hideyoshi, who defeated Mitsuhide and took over where his former master left off, taking over all of Japan but dying before he could pass it on to his young son.  Last came Tokugawa Ieyasu, who took control of Japan for good when he defeated his rival, Ishida Mitsunari, at the battle of Sekigahara in 1600.  See if you can sort out these five.

A. 明智光秀　B. 石田三成　C. 織田信長　D. 徳川家康　E. 豊臣秀吉

Wrong move.  The woman slapped it away so hard you could see it spinning through the air—at least, you could have if you were able to pull your gaze away from the two orbs of rage in the middle of her face.  “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?  I’m not asking for your money!  I’m not looking for spiritual salvation, I don’t want to be psychoanalyzed, and I couldn’t care less who wins this year’s World Series!  I want freedom! I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!”

This declaration was punctuated not so much by an exclamation point as it was by the woman’s wrinkled palm, which struck Peter’s cheek with a SMACK that reverberated so loudly it surely must have registered on the USGS seismometer in Morgantown, West Virginia.

She never would have slapped him if she wasn’t so worked up.  For one thing, she was not a violent person by nature.  For another, if she hadn’t been motivated by the all-consuming wrath that had developed from being ignored for weeks and weeks, she might have remembered to do her math.  One hand to knock the wallet away.  A second to smack him in the face.  No hand left to hold onto his arm.

Peter was off and running.  The woman sagged.  The demon of anger slowly left her.  She once again understood that slapping people around is probably not the best way to get them to help you.  As one final meaningless gesture, she called after him half-heartedly: “You’ll be back!”

The young man, unlike ninety percent of the people she encountered in Simon Park Station, actually took the time to respond.  “Not likely!” he shouted back, just before jumping onto the subway as the doors were closing.

The woman leaned back against her pillar, ready to sink down and await the next rush.  Except she couldn’t.  This time, someone was holding onto her.

She turned, and the first thing she saw was the smile.  It was a smile of triumph—no, it was more than that.  It was a wicked smile.  It was a smile that should not be allowed.  It resembled nothing more than the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark, just before their faces started melting.  The woman couldn’t remember whether or not she had seen that movie, but anyone who had could have told her the description was perfectly apt.

It was only after taking in the awful smile that she noticed the uniform.

“Now that,” said Officer Tang, who was only able to restrain her giddiness because of her years of training (and even then she didn’t do a great job of it), “was Assault.”

Joseph Kittinger’s number to beat
Is one-hundred-and-two thousand feet
From that distance he fell
Landing quite safe and well
Though the plummet was certainly fleet

Event: Joseph Kittinger sets the record for highest, fastest, and longest skydive
Year: 1960
Learn more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Excelsior

A. 運動選手　B. 警備官　C. 神父　D. 天使　E. 船乗り　F. ペテン師

Ah, poor Theoman.  He blundered into an age-old trap: assuming that katakana are your friends.  Yes, most of the time, these angular characters are simply a funny way of writing English words, but every once in a while you stumble across one of more arcane origins.  Case in point: even I don’t know what the peten in F’s petenshi means, but I doubt it’s “pattern.”  This tricksiness seems entirely appropriate for F, the ever-capricious Brook–I mean, Los Angeles Dodgers.

Shirley struggled a bit against the Central Division last week, and apparently she doesn’t follow the West, so she probably had a lot of difficulty this time around.  Let’s see . . . first guess, wrong (though she can perhaps take comfort in having made the same mistake as the contestant who actually knows some Japanese); second guess, wrong; third guess, wrong; fourth guess . . . correct?  Yes, C is the San Diego Padres (literally “god father(s)”).  Okay, so she got one, but anybody can get one.  I bet she missed on her next . . . nope, D is The The Angels Angels of Anaheim.  Alright, alright, but these streaks usually die out eventually . . . or not.  Shirley finished strong this week, matching all her final three guesses, for E is the Seattle Mariners.  I guess she knows the West better than she thought.

A Fan’s slate wasn’t quite as impressive, although he did correctly identified those pesky Dodgers, the one that threw both of his fellow competitors.  Our unguessed teams this week were A, the Oakland Athletics, and B, the Texas Rangers.

Okay, Eastern division: Blue Jays, Orioles, Rays, Red Sox, Yankees (AL), Braves, Marlins, Mets, Nationals, Phillies (NL).  You know the drill.

A. 青懸巣　B. 鰭条　C. 高麗鶯　D. 国民　E. 真旗魚　F. 勇士

The realization that you’ve wasted months of your life in a pointless exercise can lead to a wide variety of emotional reactions.  Some people are overjoyed; they find it quite liberating to discover that there’s no longer any point in going through the normal routine.  These people, though, are not by any means typical.  A much more common response is to sink into despair, to lament the loss of precious time, to wonder how you can possibly go on when everything you thought made sense suddenly doesn’t.

The old woman opted for a third option.  Her grip tightened.  “No, you don’t think, do you,” she said, lowering her voice to a whisper so that the following crescendo could be all the more dramatic.  “You people never do.  Your minds are fixed on one thing: get to the train, get to the train.  Drop your hat?  Leave it behind so you can get to the train.  Spot an old friend walking the other way?  Lower your head so you can get to the train.  Get interrupted by a woman with a simple question who only wants someone to stay and listen for a minute or two?  Ignore her.  Get to the train, get to the train, get to the goddamn train!

“I sit here every day and I watch people go by and you know what I see?  I see a thousand people standing within ten feet of each other, each in her own separate world.  You wear headphones so you don’t have to listen.  You stare at your phones so you don’t have to look.  You cover your mouths and noses—even though it doesn’t smell that bad—so you don’t even have to breathe!  You love your routine so much that you seal off your senses, just in case there might be something out there that could shake things up!  It seems like your sense of touch is the only thing you haven’t figured out how to shut off.  And if physical pain is the only way to get through to you people, then that’s what I’m going to have to use!”

You might find it odd that Peter Hamlin, who had never met a situation he couldn’t argue his way out of, would sit there in silence while this little old lady rained abuse on him.  You could say it was because he was still half-asleep.  You could blame the fact that part of his brain was still operating under the impression that he was being mugged (he certainly hadn’t come up with any more likely theory to take its place).  Really, though, he was simply stunned.  He was learning—as was the woman—that all the prepared speeches in the world are no match for an extemporaneous tirade driven by an overflow of genuine emotion.

“All I’m asking for is a few minutes.  You all think that a few minutes of your time are more precious than anything!  That just a couple minutes’ delay would upset your schedule, throw your ‘harmonious balance’ out of whack, and ruin your day.  A couple minutes!  Do you have any idea how long I’ve been down here?  Two hundred thirty-three days!  You’d better believe my harmonious balance is out of whack!  I’m starting to forget what the outside world sounds like!”

Speaking of the music of the underground, the woman’s voice—despite its phenomenal volume—could not drown out the noise of the train pulling into the station.  Amidst the sea of confusion, dotted with islands of desire to apologize for offenses he had never committed, a beacon shone out in Peter’s mind: get to the train.  It blasted through the clouds of guilt formed by doing exactly what this woman (This crazy woman, the beacon corrected.  This raving lunatic who doesn’t know what she’s saying) was complaining about.  He was still operating under the mugging hypothesis, so rather than giving one last, desperate, pointless tug, he reached down with his other hand and pulled out his wallet.

Caesar’s troops were sure feeling the blues
For they lacked supplies, numbers, and shoes
Pompey went for the kill
But as he charged downhill
He learned that they had nothing to lose

Event: Battle of Pharsalus: Julius Caesar defeats Pompey the Great (Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus) at Pharsalus in the last battle between the two former triumvirs
Year: 48 BC
Learn more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Pharsalus

A. 王族　B. 白足袋　C. 醸造者　D. 虎　E. 双子　F. 幼獣

Heeeey, batterbatterbatter su-wing batterbatter!

It looks like Theoman has decided to take a break from being right all the time–his identification of A as the Pittsburgh Pirates is incorrect, and I think I know how he came about it.  That second character in A is read zoku, as is the second character in the word for pirate, kaizoku.  That “zoku,” however, means “burglar” or “robber,” whereas the one in A means “family” or “tribe.”  And since the character before it means “king,” these are, in fact, the Kansas City Royals.  I suppose Theoman gets half-credit for identifying them as an equally woebegone team.  Actually, now that I think about it, there are a large number of woebegone teams on this list, either perennially or currently.  Such is the fate of the Central.

His second guess (B=White Sox) is rather boringly correct.  His pick of Cubs for E, however, was a bit off the mark.  Unfortunately for him, the critical character in this compound is not the second but the first, which means “two” or “double.”  Thus at E we recognize the Minnesota Twins, who have won more World Series titles in the past 25 years than the rest of the teams on this list put together.

A Fan struck out in his first at-bat, guessing Astros, Brewers, Cardinals, though we’ll call one of those a foul ball rather than a straight strike; he was close on the Milwaukee Brewers, who find themselves at C.  His second at-bat was similar, though unlike the Reds and Pirates, the Cubs are at least found somewhere on this list.

That brought up Shirley, who was one off on the White Sox and one off on the Brewers, though Milwaukee isn’t that far from Minneapolis, so she was close in more ways than one.  I’ll take her calling the Twins the Cardinals as a compliment.  Her comments on her guess of the Indians could probably equally apply to the Indians’ season itself this year, but F is, in fact, those poor, poor Cubs, who have not been correctly guessed on KYPC in 103 years (true story).

And, to A Fan’s undoubted consternation, we are forced to reveal that D is the DEtroit Tigers.

But now it’s time to go west, young man (or whatever particular combination of age and gender you may happen to be).  The Baseball Team Identification Challenge continues with the West Division, and you’re in luck: there aren’t as many teams out there.  Pick from the Angels, Athletics, Mariners, Rangers (from the AL) or the Diamondbacks, Dodgers, Giants, Padres, Rockies (from the NL).

A. 運動選手　B. 警備官　C. 神父　D. 天使　E. 船乗り　F. ペテン師

Still in Action Mode, Peter’s first reaction was to pull.  He pulled hard, hard enough to remind his fevered brain that bones can break, shoulders can be dislocated, and that maybe charging ahead without analyzing the situation wasn’t the best way to get ahead in the long run.  After all, if he had somehow managed to get wedged between a pillar and a garbage can, all the pulling in the world wasn’t going to help.  But when he turned his head, he saw that what was holding him in place was nothing more than a human hand . . . a human hand employing a full-force Greco-Vulcan Death Grip that would have put an industrial vice to shame.

Now in Analysis Mode—but still suffering from lack of sleep and feeling dizzy from jumping down all those stairs—his brain immediately leapt to the conclusion that he was being mugged.  He had thought that this was something that typically happened at night, but then again, what did he know?  Having grown up in the suburbs, he didn’t know much about being mugged, other than that it was “something that happened to other people” and that it was “undesirable.”

He might have been able to accept a morning mugging, but, as his eyes adjusted to the lighting, the identity of the mugger was nothing short of dumbfounding.  She looked like she could use the money, but was this little old lady really capable of such a crime?  Was that really cold determination he saw in her crinkled eyes and her thin mouth, or was it simply a trick of the unpleasant subway station lights?  And how in the hell was she strong enough to have him trapped like that?

The Old Woman of Simon Park Station had not expected this turn of events much more than Peter had.  The morning rush was entering a lull; the last train that could get people downtown by eight o’clock had already departed, and it would be at least fifteen minutes before the nine o’clock crowd started to pour in.  She had been all prepared to settle down for a brief rest when she saw the young man come dashing in, all by himself.  When he started to slow down right next to where she was sitting, she just reacted instinctively.

“Don’t you think . . .”

She stopped.  She had started to ask the question automatically, just as she had approached the man automatically when he passed her pillar.  But what was the point?  No one ever listened.  He was just another guy in a suit, rushing to catch a train.  She had seen tens of thousands of them in the time she had spent in Simon Park Station.  She had really believed that eventually someone would come along, someone who would listen to her little speech, someone who would help.  But the law of averages had failed her.  This strategy wasn’t going to cut it.

Using not prob and stats but one’s hand
Just as the Constitution had planned
Since the first sum (4 mil)
Every ten years we still
Try to count all the folks in the land

Event: The first U.S. Census is conducted
Year: 1790
Learn more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/US_Census