The Jenoviad Entry #35

October 9th, 2009 by Wordsman

“Fight you?” the old fat man laughed
“Of that I’ve no intent
As for the introduction
Hi, I’m Shinra’s President

“I’m not much of a fighter
And I can’t ruin this suit
This is the joy of management
I just have to say, ‘Shoot’

“But I don’t mean to shoot you
Even vicariously
I’d hate for any of your blood
To get all over me

“Nor will I disarm your bomb
Of that please have no fear
The bomb will go off just as planned
But . . . you’ll all still be here”

“Wait a sec, now!” Tifa cried
“Can you be serious?
You’d let a whole reactor blow
Just to take care of us?”

The Pres’dent shrugged.  “It’s no big deal
I’ve got six more of these
I missed yesterday’s fireworks
I’m watching the reprise”

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This Day in History Entry #34

October 6th, 2009 by Wordsman

“Like love, this drug’s use should be free!”
Argued men like Timothy Leary
Long-term studies did find
It could disturb the mind
So the government banned LSD

Posted in This Day in History | 3 Comments »

Do Not Attempt to Adjust Your Monitor

October 5th, 2009 by Wordsman

Given my continued inability to post pictures, it seems somewhat pedantic of me to continue stubbornly posting stories and asking for your patience.  I have therefore decided to put the “Is a Picture Worth a Thousand Words?” project on a temporary (and, from the point of view of anyone closely following the story, poorly timed) hiatus.  Instead this week I present to you another project I have been tinkering with, titled “Brevity=Wit.”

The definition of brevity has changed a lot over the years.  Especially these days, due to the popularity of text messaging and a certain web application, it seems like anything that takes more than two seconds to think up and three seconds to type just isn’t worth writing.  It makes me wonder, however, how the great writers and speakers of the past would have fared if they were subjected to the same harsh 140-character limit that we are.

Today, let us consider the Gettysburg Address.

Given on November 19, 1863, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address was considered famous for its brevity.  Preceded by Edward Everett, who gave a speech of two hours and over 13,000 words, Lincoln went up and spoke for approximately two minutes.  Legend has it that Lincoln’s speech was so unexpectedly short that the photographers did not have enough time to get their equipment set up to take pictures of him.

Nowadays, of course, the Gettysburg Address seems almost ridiculously long.  Lincoln’s speech contained well over 1000 characters, if you can believe that.  If he had been cut off at the more reasonable length of 140 characters, the speech would have gone something like this:

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the prop”

All Lincoln has time for is a brief history lesson, which he cannot even finish.  “Upon this continent?”  Well, duh.  Where did they think America was founded?  South America?  “Dedicated to the prop?”  What’s he talking about?  The Wright brothers wouldn’t make their famous flight for another forty years.

Now, if I was a speechwriter for Abraham Lincoln, knowing the extremely limited capacity of the modern attention span, I might have suggested he say something more like this:

“87 years ago our fathers made a free nation.  Now we’re at war, and men died here for it.  I can’t say anything greater than what they gave.”

See?  Short and simple.  Fits easily within any standard character limit, takes about ten seconds to say.  Plus you don’t have to waste any of your precious brain power trying to remember that a score is twenty.

Of course, if Lincoln was giving his speech today, taking enough time for the photographers wouldn’t be a problem no matter how quickly he went.  They’d simply snap one of him with their phones and then go back to texting their friends:

“OMG! cant believe prez is talking for 2 whole minutes! i cant wait to get outa here”

Not exactly what you might call the last full measure of devotion.

Posted in Brevity=Wit | 3 Comments »

The Jenoviad Entry #34

October 2nd, 2009 by Wordsman

The buttons dinged, the door flew ope’
Freeing them from their cell
Of that event the three agreed
To never, ever tell

Back outside Cloud yelled with glee
“Man, that sure was a snap!”
To us, of course, it’s obvious
They walked into a trap

Moments later Shinra’s guards
The walkways all did cross
Barret groaned. “That’s what we get
For tryin’ to skip the boss”

A helicopter swooped right down
Inside it was no copper
A fat old man in a red suit
Walked slowly from the chopper

“Who are you?” the big guy asked
“I’m warning you, old man”
Raising his gun, he declared
“You won’t mess up our plan

“You don’t want to fight us
Hell, you look like someone’s dad
I killed a giant scorpion
And . . . these two ain’t that bad”

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Movie Two-Liners Entry #34

September 30th, 2009 by Wordsman

This week’s puzzle:

A retired teacher makes a detour in the middle of a long trip to visit a former student. His most recent pupil runs away before he can meet the former student, and when they next encounter each other, the new student’s friend has to come in and separate them.

Last week’s puzzle:

A male condemned for attacking a woman escapes capture and ends up in a place he’s never been before. There he travels for a while with a group of naïve mendicants and helps to topple two of the most influential figures in the region.

And the answer is . . . ▼

Posted in Movie Two-Liners | 1 Comment »

This Day in History Entry #33

September 29th, 2009 by Wordsman

Cleveland’s Indians received much praise
In the Series, thought they’d New York daze
Victor Wertz hit a blast
It went far, almost past
The outstretched glove of one Willie Mays

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Is a Picture Worth a Thousand Words? Entry #34

September 27th, 2009 by Wordsman

PWTW 34

“I should have known this would happen,” Matthew grumbled.

Matthew had lost his friend.  The moment the possibility of pirate treasure came up, Jack had, as expected, gone a bit berserk.  The search for a shovel, metal detector, wheelbarrow, and all the other tools of the amateur treasure hunter immediately became paramount.  Unfortunately for Jack, since Ostia Antica was primarily a sleepy archaeological dig site, they did not have any of the items he was looking for, at least not in a place where an ordinary tourist could get his hands on them.  Thus the radius of the search expanded rapidly, to the point where Matthew was no longer able to keep up.

He was not, however, overly concerned about Jack’s disappearance.  Sure, Jack still had the only key to their hotel room, but Matthew was confident that he would be able to find him at the end of the day when he needed to.  His friend had never been good at keeping himself hidden.  In addition, despite Jack’s frantic desire to find a shovel no matter how long it took, Matthew was confident that his friend would not get far.  For an amateur treasure hunter, Jack had an astonishingly poor grasp of maps, and since his skill with the local language was juvenile at best, Matthew could not see him managing to figure out a train or anything else that would take him out of the area.  There was always the risk that Jack would attempt to do something foolish, but as he himself had said, there was no one around, so what could he do?

Matthew had other things to worry about, anyway: he was searching for the person in gray.  Although he grumbled out of habit, for once Matthew was actually pleased that his friend had managed to disappear.  It made hunting for the gray-clad figure much easier when he did not have to explain to Jack what he was doing or make up a semi-plausible excuse to avoid the question.  He was free of distractions.  Ostia Antica was deserted.  It was just Matthew and the person in gray . . .

. . . except that it wasn’t.  Unlike Jack, Matthew could not feel that the site was empty, because he kept drifting back into the past, when it was not “Ostia Antica” but just plain old “Ostia.”  To him the port was still alive.  The buildings were whole, the streets were teeming with activities both legal and otherwise.  On the one hand, this meant that for Matthew the site was interesting enough to not require inventing a phony hunt for pirate treasure.  On the other hand, it wasn’t at all helpful if you were trying to find something.

Matthew groaned.  He supposed that he should not really have been surprised.  Earlier, when he was attempting to forget about the figure in gray and focus on the past, the modern world had constantly intruded on his thoughts.  Now, naturally, the opposite was true.  It figured.  Every time he tried to peer around the corner to catch the person that had been pursuing him, he ran into a shady merchant sailor trying to sell him a special salve that could only be found in the distant reaches of the forests of Germany, presumably because in any other location it would have been considered poisonous.

Even when Matthew was able to clear his head and return to the present, a different sort of distraction was there to plague him: doubt.  Part of him believed that he had no reason to think that he could catch the person in gray even if he could devote his full attention to the problem.  The kind of person who behaves like that, said a voice in the back of his mind, is the kind of person that is very good at not being found.  Matthew tried to argue that he had spotted the figure a couple of times already, but he countered that seeing someone for a moment through a crowd is very different from being close enough to actually communicate with him.

Matthew was forced to admit that this was true, but a few moments later he rallied, saying that he was giving way too much credit to this mysterious figure in gray.  He had no reason to believe that this was some sort of James Bond-like super spy.  Why would a person like that be following him?  Again, the counterargument came right back: You have no reason to believe that any sort of person would be following you, by all normal logic.  And yet here you are.

Eventually, Matthew was forced to concede that he was right: his chances of finding the figure in gray were next to nil.  Even if this person wasn’t expecting Matthew to be looking for him, that slim advantage had been eliminated, since Matthew had spent the last few hours snooping around the area in an obvious manner.  Even if he had managed to track him down, Matthew still had not been able to answer the question, “Then what do I do?”  So he called off the pointless search and switched to a more meaningful one: finding Jack.  Rather than glancing around corners in what he thought was a stealthy manner, he kept his eyes to the ground, looking for places where someone had been frantically digging with a rock, his hands, or whatever he could find.

It was because he was staring at the ground that he spotted the woman first.  She was lying on the ground in an awkward position, as if she had been struck and suddenly fell into unconsciousness.  The woman was probably a few years older than Matthew and Jack, and she appeared to be Italian.  After a quick glance, Matthew almost certainly would have next looked up to see his friend, who was carrying a shovel and looking much more bewildered than usual, except for one other thing that caught his eye.

She was wearing a gray hooded cloak.

Posted in Is a Picture Worth a Thousand Words? | 1 Comment »

The Jenoviad Entry #33

September 25th, 2009 by Wordsman

BLIP BLIP BLIP. The buttons beeped
A great cacophony
The fact the door remain’ed shut
Was plain for all to see

“What was that?” yelled Tifa
“Why’d you hit your buttons
then?
Never mind, we’ll try once more”
But they just failed again

“Cloud! Why swing your arm like that?
You doing magic tricks?”
“I can’t help it!” snarled Cloud
“This stupid button sticks!”

“God!” said Tifa. “Never thought
That this would take so long”
“Not my fault!” Barret complained
“You must be counting wrong”

“Should I add more numbers?”
“No!” said Cloud. “Just stick with three
You know that
bomb we planted?
Where’s your sense of urgency?”

“All right!” she said through gritted teeth
“We’ll give this one last try
But if you screw it up again
So help me, I might cry”

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Movie Two-Liners Entry #33

September 23rd, 2009 by Wordsman

This week’s puzzle:

A male condemned for attacking a woman escapes capture and ends up in a place he’s never been before. There he travels for a while with a group of naïve mendicants and helps to topple two of the most influential figures in the region.

Last week’s puzzle:

A former champion quits his job, finds a new one, leaves that, goes back to his original job, and gets another one on the side. After failing at his latest job, he goes off to do what those who cannot do do: teach.

And the answer is . . . ▼

Posted in Movie Two-Liners | 2 Comments »

This Day in History Entry #32

September 22nd, 2009 by Wordsman

The man called the USA’s first spy
Nathan Hale did the British defy
Said his only regret
Was they’d but one life get
In a speech he gave ‘fore he did die

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